A Musical Dilemma

Well, I survived Easter. Not just dinner with the in-laws, which turned out to be quite enjoyable as the oldest sister didn't make an appearance. I also made it through all the singing. Lots and lots of singing.

In January, I finally got up the nerve to audition for the choir at our church. We've been going there for almost 12 years, and I thought of joining early on, until I learned of the audition requirement. And I don't sing alone in front of people. The irony, of course, is that I'm a music therapist, and sing with my clients all the time. For me, though, that is very different. Singing with my clients is not performing, and it is the process that is important, not the product.

I actually suffer from performance anxiety. I originally entered university in a performance stream, with flute as my principal instrument. Playing in wind ensemble, concert band, or orchestra, I have no problem with solos because they are a part of the music overall, and I remain seated. Even playing the piccolo, which is so exposed, is not threatening. However, take away the rest of the musicians and make me stand up - I become a nervous wreck. I end up hyperventilating, because I don't use all of my air, but still breathe in the places that I am supposed to. I have never managed to stay for the applause - I just leave the stage as soon as I'm finished playing (I have to, my knees start buckling). Singing in front of people is even worse - I freeze up and sound very croaky. Vocal techniques class was a nightmare. I ended up switching my major to music history. I still played in wind ensemble and orchestra, but didn't have to do the whole recital thing. And then I did my Master's and equivalency in music therapy, where I use my flute very little.

The church that we attend, St John the Evangelist, has an amazing music director. In addition to playing the organ and piano, he also plays the harp. And composes/arranges music, as well as conducts The Strings of St John's. We frequently have other musicians playing during church services - oboe, brass, flute, handbells, timpani. The choir currently has 53 members, and has toured in Great Britain, as well as recording several CDs. You can imagine how intimidated I was by this, and there was no way I was going to offer to play the flute, or to audition for the choir.

So, fast forward eleven and a half years. We know the music director quite well. In addition to being extremely talented, he's truly a wonderful person. Corwin and Clara (but particularly Corwin) absolutely adore him. Corwin had been asking when we could have Gordon for dinner, so we finally arranged a date. Gordon and Gaston came over and we had a lovely dinner, the kids had a fabulous time showing Gordon around (their rooms, their toys, all the Christmas decorations, etc), and Gaston was thrilled to speak French with my husband. So, with the kids tucked in for the night, the four adults were enjoying a glass of wine in the family room, and Gordon asked me if I was ever going to join the choir. I confessed to being intimidated by the audition, at which point he burst out laughing. Apparently, we had covered most of the audition process - he needs to know the person a bit, and to be sure that they can read music and make the time commitment. The only other thing required is to sing "Silent Night", simply for him to get an idea of vocal range. I said I'd think about it. A few days later, I arranged to meet him and sing "Silent Night". I was SO nervous that I was shaking, but I managed to get through, and now I'm a second soprano.

I've really been enjoying reading music again - for work, I mostly play guitar, so I read chords to new songs. I'm also in a recorder ensemble that Gordon organized, which is fun but frustrating, since I keep reverting to flute fingerings. All this has gotten me playing my flute again, and I've been realizing how much I miss it. It wasn't until April 8 that I realized quite how much I miss it. The choir, in addition to singing at church on Sunday mornings, also does a few concerts each year. During Holy Week (the week before Easter), there were three performances of the John Rutter Requiem, and a few other pieces. Gordon was conducting, and the Strings of St John's were accompanying us, and also playing Spring from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. I missed a combined rehearsal when I was away in CT, so the first time I sang with the orchestra was at the dress rehearsal. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

A few weeks before, I realized that there would be flutes - it is a full orchestra, so the Strings of St John's are augmented for occasions such as this. Just for fun, I asked Gordon if I could get a copy of the flute part, and he gave me copies of both 1st and 2nd. So I'd played the parts a bit. It didn't prepare me for the overwhelming emotion that I experienced, though. I had to pinch my knuckle hard every time the flutes would play during the rehearsal to keep myself from crying. It was almost a physical longing to be playing my instrument, not to be singing in the choir. I do enjoy the choir, but if there was a choice, I would much rather play the flute. I managed to get through the rehearsal, and all three performances (Sunday April 9, Wed April 12, Friday April 14). Thankfully, the orchestra was not part of Easter Vigil, or Easter morning service, and the choir didn't have as much to sing for those. Yesterday, I spent about 2 hours in the middle of the afternoon practicing my flute. And on Friday, I'm getting together with the harpist (not Gordon) who plays with the orchestra. We're going to work on some flute and harp stuff. Just for fun. Maybe it will lead to me playing more, and getting over this performance anxiety that has been plaguing me. Because I'd rather deal with a little gut-wrenching stress before performing than not to play at all.