May I Introduce You To My In-Laws?

The wise person would say "no, thanks" and run, as far away as possible.

Since you're still reading, I'll assume that wisdom has not come to you yet! Seriously, they aren't that bad. Overall. And since we've been married for 12 years (as of May), and together for almost 19 (as of October), I have had a lot of time to become acclimated to their. . . shall we say, quirks. Let me tell you, there are quite a few of those quirks, but I won't dig too deeply here.

The basic overview. I am an only child (no disparaging comments, please!). My parents recently celebrated their 40th anniversary. Yes, they drive each other crazy at times, especially since my dad retired, but they are still happily married. They travel, go to the theatre, and my mother cleans, cooks, and gardens. My father reads, plays "Roller Coaster Tycoon" on his computer (again, I'm sorry, Mom), sometimes cooks (after which my mother cleans, since my dad doesn't do as good of a job as is required - see previous post), and he is also in charge of cleaning the basement and the basement bathroom (which he does, "once a month, whether it needs it or not." You can imagine my mother's response to this - again, see the previous post). They live just west of Toronto (about a 5 hour drive). They visit every 6 weeks or so to spend time with the grandkids, and we visit them as well. Everyone gets along well, and we're still trying to convince them to move to the National Capital region (my mom says it's too cold in the winter. I agree, but if I have to be stuck here, why shouldn't they?). My husband also has a good relationship with my parents - he and my dad sometimes golf, and go out to dinner.

Enter the in-laws (quick, what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted!). My husband's parents are ten years older than my parents, but act even older than that. They are still married. They are VERY Catholic (they go to church every day). My husband has not been to Catholic Church since before we were married (not including weddings, funerals, and baptisms). We do go to church - Anglican (Church of England/Episcopalian). Imagine how thrilled his parents were! They are very opinionated, especially my father-in-law. Actually, his is the only opinion - he will not listen to anyone else's. I usually smile and nod, unless they say something so stupid or fundamentally against my beliefs that I speak up. Last summer, I got into a disagreement with him about same-sex marriage and the fact that a Justice of the Peace was fired because he refused to marry a gay couple who had a marriage license (hello, it's the law, and he's not a religious leader!!! What would happen if he refused to marry a biracial couple?). I was polite, the FIL wouldn't listen, and because I disagreed with him, he wouldn't look at me for the rest of the day. Whatever!

My husband has three sisters, all older. Eight, ten, and twelve years older. His sisters have all been married. They have all been divorced. They have all remarried. The oldest is widowed, the youngest is divorced a second time, and the middle was divorced a second time, married a third, and separated from him for a couple of years now (divorce in progress, I just don't ask the details). That's the basics. Where it gets interesting is that they ALL live in the area. All.Of.Them. And we have another holiday coming up.

This past Christmas, we hosted dinner at our house. It's been years since they all came (well, not the oldest sister, but we're getting to that). The only other time was the year we moved into our first house - 1997. Since we've been married, we alternate a bit, but I hate doing Christmas at his family. First of all, I have issues with the smoking. I'm very allergic, and I end up with bronchitis, and on inhalers and antibiotics. And I don't get a whole lotta respect about it. The worst was 1995, the second Christmas that we were married. All of his sisters were there, and two were married at the time. The oldest was widowed (irony - her husband died of lung cancer from SMOKING). She doesn't smoke, but both other sisters, their husbands, a niece and her boyfriend, and a cousin and her husband did. It was DISGUSTING, and every time I tried to open a window, someone would close it and say it was too cold. Hmmm. . . better a little cold fresh air than inhaling carcinogens against my will! At least now, since we've had the kids, I've put my foot down regarding the smoking - outside, or we won't be there. And it's only one sister, a niece and her boyfriend who still smoke (well, the ex-husbands probably do, but they're doing it elsewhere).

The other reason I can't stand Christmas dinners that they host is that they cook the turkey the day before and reheat it in the microwave. Can you say dry? Also, everyone has to bring a dish. Call me a food snob, but I can't get into this. I like to plan the menu, and make the food when I'm hosting. I don't view holiday celebrations as pot-luck. You never know what people will bring. Back in 1995, I wanted to bring the cranberries I make. I was assigned a shrimp ring. You know, the frozen kind that involves no cooking. I LOVE to cook. I asked my husband's aunt about bringing the cranberries as well, and she said okay. Well, she may have said okay, but she went ahead and made hers anyway, and put them ahead of mine on the table. Good thing I like cranberries, because basically the whole batch came home. The real kicker? The youngest sister was assigned the stuffing and a vegetable. She brought Stove-Top and frozen peas and carrots. Why the hell she couldn't have brought the shrimp ring is quite beyond me!

So, there's an overview of the family. And we've now been asked to host Easter dinner. We have the space (currently, the youngest sister is in a one bedroom apt until her townhouse is built; the middle sister just sold her townhouse and she and her son are living with her daughter and the daughter's boyfriend until she moves into her new apartment. The MIL and FIL have a basement full of both daughters' things stored until moving days. This is an issue because we eat in the basement - don't ask. And the oldest sister has the space, but never offers. EVER). No problem, I would have offered, but didn't want to overstep any boundaries since we had just hosted Christmas. This is where it gets fun.

The oldest sister is pissed off because it's at our house. Keep in mind that she won't host anything - last year we asked her to do Mother's Day, and she said she couldn't because her patio set was old so she had to throw it out, and her barbeque blew up and she couldn't get anything new until July. Oo-kaaaa-y. Who said anything about a barbeque? And why does it have to be outside? Guess who ended up having it? Yep, we did. Well, she doesn't like it here because we have a dog and she's allergic. Hmmm. . . forgive me for the lack of sympathy, but when I declined to go to a restaurant years ago because I didn't want to get sick from the smoke, she asked if I knew that there was medication I could take. Yes, I could prevent an asthma attack, but what about the bronchitis? And as far as I know, there ain't no medicine that prevents lung cancer!

It isn't as though I haven't made an effort. A couple of years ago when we had a family dinner for Corwin and Clara's birthday, I was sensitive to her allergies. We have hardwood and tile on the main floor, and two area rugs. A few days before the dinner, I rolled up the rugs, and washed the floors really well. I also vacuumed every day (upstairs, too) for the week before, but not on the actual day, because that can stir up allergens. I did wash the floors on the day of, and also had the windows open (this was early October). All this because I know that it is not the hair but the dander from the dog that causes the reaction. We also kept the dog in another room. Well, within five minutes of arriving, she was complaining that she was having difficulty breathing. And she had taken her powdered Ventolin inhaler the moment she walked in the door. I have friends with severe allergies, and they all think that there is more of an emotional component to her attacks. As in, there are real allergies but stress exacerbates the severity of the attack.

So she probably won't come. But she might. She'll let us know. . . two days before. Two days. When I mentioned that I needed a bit more time than that (you know, to allow for grocery shopping, table planning - if there are more than 10, I'll need to plan to set up an extra table, arrange chairs, etc), she was annoyed. And now she has e-mailed my husband to tell him that she will only come if it is at least 15 degrees Celsius outside. Is it wrong to hope for 9 degrees and rain? See, it's not so bad to be an only child!