Rain and Rambling

Crying while driving is not really recommended, but sometimes it just happens. Like today, when it is beautifully rainy out - not pouring, more than misty, but the leaves are all changing colours and some are on the ground. A great day for melancholy music. Until one came on the radio that hit me in the solar plexus and I welled up. Bizarre. Not that I don't cry much. I do, often. Movies, tv shows, commercials (the A&W commercial with the Grandpa burger? Hubby still teases me about that one), and books can all tug at my emotions. However, I am a fairly in control person. I don't tend to cry in front of other people, especially if it's not caused by one of the previously mentioned reasons. I get involved in the other characters' lives and cry about their woes, but not so much about mine. This morning, the music triggered it, but it was far more about me than the song.

Back in June, I cried in church. I was surprised that I more than welled up, and my nose even started running. Thank God Bumble was able to lend me a kleenex, because I could've dabbed at my eyes with the sleeve of my choir robe, but not so much the nose! I wasn't expecting to get so emotional, but the minister started talking about the forces in Iraq and Afghanistan and other places, and I just started thinking about PoD (who was leaving two days after that Sunday) and I lost it. I didn't realize it was something that had me so worried, especially since we hadn't been in contact from 1991-2003. However, our relationship back in university was rather complicated and entangled in flirtation (and then some), and distance, and two other guys on my part - Hubby and Gerhard (best friend, Corwin's Godfather, and with whom I also had a major flirtation). The emotional component of my relationships with PoD and Gerhard are particularly entwined. There were two time frames during which Gerhard and I were not talking, and it nearly ripped my heart out entirely. The first one I blamed on PoD, and I had a lot of resentment towards him because of it. My relationship with PoD ended at graduation, but we hadn't seen each other except in passing since before that Christmas. Oddly enough, Gerhard and I weren't talking during that period, but reconnected right before graduation.

I was able to keep up with PoD through Gerhard (they are somewhat friendly), but had no contact until I got in touch with him in 2003. A few e-mails, nice to hear from you, and that was it. The next summer, I wrote just to say hi, and we started a friendship that I hadn't realized I'd missed. I actually saw PoD in 2004, when he was in town for work. We had drinks and a lovely visit. Interestingly, I almost started crying that night, too. We were talking about Gerhard and I got all choked up. I was mortified - of all the people I wouldn't want to lose control with, PoD tops the list. Funnily, this wasn't a bad thing after all. Our friendship was on a different level after that, and we had a lot of e-mail and long distance conversations over the next few months. One thing that was a little sad - my weird dreams featuring Gerhard and PoD, and a lot of emotional upheaval and searching, disappeared after seeing PoD and talking about all the emotional stuff. I kind of miss them. But the make-out dream with my neighbour? I don't think it was my neighbour, even though it looked like him.